Bless the Broken Road...

When Jordan and I got married our "First Dance" song was by Rascal Flatts and it was "Bless the Broken Road."  It's a beautiful song and it fit pretty perfectly at the time.  Ironically, it still fits.  Life is a broken road.  It's not a straight path, it's certainly not smooth, and it is unpredictable.  It's also beautiful and winding and has lessons hiding right behind every turn.  I wouldn't want my life to be like a freeway.  Straight and boring.  Who would want that, anyway?  If you feel like listening to it, then here ya go...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do32g82qilk

Oh, a side note while I am thinking about it:  Mom has been saying she would like each of our love stories for quite awhile.  Maybe we can put our stories on here?  Just a thought.  

My anxiety/depression levels have been as bad as they ever were.  Dark thoughts and hopelessness and guilt and numbness all rolled into one ragged ball.  Can you hear my road breaking from where you are reading this?  However, I think I am on the road to recovery.  I fell asleep before 9:30 last night.  Little triumphs really matter to me right now.  It's interesting that when the chemical/hormone imbalance really sets in there is both clarity and confusion.  Things that have been just sorta buggin' at you for a few months suddenly come to the forefront and BAM!  They are clear as day.  But the ability to rationalize and process becomes more and more mushed up.  That is the place I have been lost in for a couple of months.  Now that things are settling and finding their place or not finding their place and being tossed out, I have found myself left with a different me.   We are constantly evolving, but there are those times when we are transformed so quickly and drastically that we are unrecognizable to ourselves and we have to get used to it.  Am I the only person that feels like this?  There have been a handful of these experiences in my life.  When Ben was born, when Daren Cornelius died, when I met Pismo Beach, when I fell in love with Jordan, when I woke up and saw Jake in my bed sleeping by me, when I realized that post partum depression was beyond my control, and when I had a miscarriage.  Epic moments.  Just thinking of these glimpses of time gets me all misty-eyed.  I have felt God in each of these moments.  Real and raw and sacred.  And in the end all that we really have is love.  Pure love.  Charity.  It binds all of these experiences together and it's all that matters.

Because of the emotional turmoil in this house, the food situation has been different than usual.  Boring.  I've cut the sugar/white flour intake back as well so that complicates things a bit as well.  I really want to make the Chile Rellenos Casserole that is floating around Pinterest right now. Here is a link to it: http://hello-homebody.com/2013/07/27/chile-rellenos-casserole/  Can you say YUM???

I should do some meal planning this weekend.  Maybe I will be feeling up to it.  Maybe I won't.  I do plan on heading over to Farmer's Market on Saturday morning.  Pretty excited to stroll through the vendor's stations.  Sometimes it gets too crowded, but I know I'd like some raw, local honey and some of that crazy good marbled rye so I will fight the crowds for those things.  Oh, and maybe some vegetables and fruits too.

-Stef